Whippersnapper

Producer: Bodega Belgrano
Type: Red
Designation: It's a Head Snapper
Region: Sonoma Coast
Variety: Pinot Noir
Vintage: 2009
Price: $12



Rating:        

This wine is woody up front and moves into a sweeter finish. It is refreshingly light for a pinot noir but the flip side is it lacks substance. Pair with a Big Mac.

The Caged Bird Sings

Producer: Castellare di Castellina
Type: Red
Region: Tuscany, Italy
Variety: Chianti
Vintage: 2006
Price: $23


Rating:   



In my opinion (aka the only one that matters) this is the best deal on the market for a superb Chianti. Even though it's a bit more expensive that the average urban peasant's budget will allow, Castellare's Chianti Classico is well worth eating Tuna Helper for a week. It is rich and flavorful with a mellow, grounded finish. 

Take No Prisoners

Producer: Orin Swift

Type: Red

Region: California
Variety: The Prisoner (Blend)
50% Zinfandel

24% Cabernet Sauvignon
14% Syrah
9% Petite Sirah
2% Charbono
1% Grenache 

Vintage: 2009

Price: $35

Rating: 

            

The Prisoner is so jammy it feels like sticking your head into a jar of Smucker's. The complexities of the multi-layered blending are almost indistinguishable under the dark shadow of the Zin. If you are unlucky enough to be in a situation where this is the only wine you have to drink, I recommend letting it breath for at least 4 hours. If you have a choice, leave it in the dungeon and let it age for a few more years....

On a more positive note, the 1967 British television show, The Prisoner, is a delight and a useful study in mind control and brainwashing.

Gertie & Max

Producer: Winzergenossenschaft Auggen

Type: White
Region: Baden, Germany
Variety: Chasselas
Vintage: 2007
Price: $11

Rating:   

I have to admit that the dominating factor in the purchase of this bottle was the adorable rendering of two little mice for which this particular variety is named (most great dictators love cute animals). Reading a bottle by its label proved delightfully rewarding. The wine is sweet, of medium acidity and has a lot of flavor for a white, mostly of a fruity quality. 

Wyatt Burp

Winery: Wyatt
Type: Red

Region: California

Variety: Cabernet Sauvignon (Organic)

Vintage: 2009

Price: $13

Rating:   

Easy to drink yet full of flavor. I enjoyed this bottle with some of my closest advisors over fine cheeses and artisanal breads, but this smooth Cabernet can be imbibed happily in the absence of food.

Wine Manifesto

From the moment the first wine finger touched my infantile gums, I knew I was born to tell people what to drink. To all you common plebes who are forced by ignorance to imbibe overpriced rotten grape juice, do not fear—Your leader has risen!  Follow me into the churning belly of the wine revolution, and reemerge with something you’ll be proud to bring to a house-warming party.

Over the past twenty-six years I have developed a precise rating system that even the most idiotic winos can understand. 

The Basics:

   =   Delicious. You are an asshole not to buy 

                                                                            this wine.

                 Three Iron Fists                         

                    =      Pretty tasty. Good enough for your 

                             Two Iron Fists                                average Saturday night dinner with 

                                                                                       your average neighbors whom you 

                                                                                       don't need to impress too much.                       

                  

                                      = Nothing to sneeze at. Bring it to that party where    

                    One Iron Fist                         you like the people enough not to make them 

                                                                         drink absolute shit.

                                   = I wouldn't make my garbage disposal drink this      

                                The Finger                            unless there was a rabid opossum that 

                                                                            had been possessed by Satan stuck in 

                                                             my pipes and I wanted it dead immediately.

                  

                   =     A Good Deal

Pairing:

When you see this symbol...                                    Pair With...

                                          French Food

                                      Italian Food

                                     Chinese Food

                                           Mexican Food

                                        Korean Food 

                                        Fast Food

Happy drinking, my faithful peons!