Wine Manifesto

From the moment the first wine finger touched my infantile gums, I knew I was born to tell people what to drink. To all you common plebes who are forced by ignorance to imbibe overpriced rotten grape juice, do not fear—Your leader has risen!  Follow me into the churning belly of the wine revolution, and reemerge with something you’ll be proud to bring to a house-warming party.

Over the past twenty-six years I have developed a precise rating system that even the most idiotic winos can understand. 

The Basics:

   =   Delicious. You are an asshole not to buy 

                                                                            this wine.

                 Three Iron Fists                         

                    =      Pretty tasty. Good enough for your 

                             Two Iron Fists                                average Saturday night dinner with 

                                                                                       your average neighbors whom you 

                                                                                       don't need to impress too much.                       

                  

                                      = Nothing to sneeze at. Bring it to that party where    

                    One Iron Fist                         you like the people enough not to make them 

                                                                         drink absolute shit.

                                   = I wouldn't make my garbage disposal drink this      

                                The Finger                            unless there was a rabid opossum that 

                                                                            had been possessed by Satan stuck in 

                                                             my pipes and I wanted it dead immediately.

                  

                   =     A Good Deal

Pairing:

When you see this symbol...                                    Pair With...

                                          French Food

                                      Italian Food

                                     Chinese Food

                                           Mexican Food

                                        Korean Food 

                                        Fast Food

Happy drinking, my faithful peons!